


control

by jollofrice



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29793210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jollofrice/pseuds/jollofrice
Summary: "In a sick and twisted way, Santana felt a sort of accomplishment when her ribs started to show,it meant that she finally had control over one thing in her life."One shot. Takes place sometime in season 2.
Relationships: Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	control

Santana knows she isn’t fat, or at least that’s what she thinks.

But if she really thought that, she wouldn’t be forcing her fingers down her throat, trying to get out her breakfast that her Mami prepared. She was running late for work, so she didn’t notice how as soon as she said she was leaving Santana rushed to the Bathroom.

Every time after she purges, she tries not to cry, but the overwhelming shame and guilt gets to her. She tries so hard not to purge, she tries so hard to eat regularly, but she just can’t stop. Whenever she looks into the mirror she sees someone, someone who’s not really her. Someone who’s fat, someone who has gross stretch marks and chunky thighs. Someone who’s cheeks and eyes are starting to be sunken, someone who just isn’t her.

Her parent’s barley being around doesn’t help, they’re always working, and that means no one monitors Santana’s eating habits. At school, when she sits with the glee kids, she always says she has a big breakfast or that she just isn’t hungry. She hates lying like that, she hates especially how she’s lying to everyone, but especially Brittany. She’s only good thing she has, the only person that makes her happy, the only person who tries to check up on her.

But whenever she does, she just shuts the blonde out, and she hates herself for it. She’s been shutting her off ever since she got with Artie, but honestly it’s her fault. She rejected her.

She rejected the love of her life, and now the pain she already feels doubles whenever she sees Artie wheeling Brittany around, or when she sees them exchange cute, loving glances.

But Brittany still tries, she still tries to be supportive of her, tries to make her happy.

But she can’t muster to even have fake optimism.

Santana knows this is bad, she knows that this won’t end well.

But she can’t stop.

It’s getting to a point where during the last Cheerio weigh-in, Coach Sue wasn’t even surprised when Santana lost 6 pounds. She always used the excuse that’s she’s been master-cleansing more the usual, and Coach actually believed it.

She runs at least every day for an hour to stay skinny. In a sick and twisted way, Santana felt a sort of accomplishment when her ribs started to show.

It meant that she finally had control over one thing in her life.

She feels as if her body is shutting down and it just runs and runs in a cycle daily, she feels like she’s not really there. Every day is a constant struggle with herself. Should she stop? Or keep going.

She soon steps away from the toilet and starts to cry. She just wants to be normal again, she just wants to be her happy self again.

She keeps on crying and crying and crying. The tears continue to flow.

She gets up and wipes all the tears and snot off her face and looks in the mirror, this isn’t her? This isn’t who Santana Lopez is supposed to be.

But it is her. It is who she is now.

She tells her parents that Brittany picks her up, but actually she uses this time to get more walking in, so she cleans herself up and starts the way to school.

She feels dizzy, and she can’t really focus on what’s in front of her, but she remembers the road like clockwork so it isn’t a problem.

When she gets to school, everyone looks at her, she does understand why though. She hasn’t been acting like she used to.

She’s changed.

She doesn’t make fun of people anymore, that’s takes too much energy.

She’s still the cheerios co-captain, but she relatively stays quiet and doesn’t bother anyone.

She’s always attached to Brittany by the hip, she loves when the blonde holds her, it’s the one time she feels really secure.

She has a feeling that Artie doesn’t like it, she knows that he’s getting suspicious of them.

But, honestly making out is tiring, so they haven’t even fondled with each other since duets week.

She finally gets to the school and sighs, another day, another day of her deceiving everyone. She goes to her locker to get her books and sees Brittany coming over to her with a smile.

“Hey San!” she says, full of energy.

“Hi Britt.” She whispers back.

“How about after school, we can watch some Sweet Valley High, maybe also some sweet lady kisses?” The blonde says eagerly. Almost bouncing as she waits for a response.

Santana ponders for a bit, she really doesn’t feel up for it, but, she can’t disappoint Brittany anymore, she just can’t.

“Sure, I would love to.”

“Thanks San!” she squeals. “I’ll see you later okay?” Santana just nods as Brittany gives her a hug.

It’s comforting, and it just smells like Brittany. It smells like sweet lemons and strawberries. It makes her melt, melt right into her, and just like that she feels at ease.

But alas, it ends, and soon Brittany is skipping down the hallway to her class, and now Santana’s alone, missing Brittany’s presence.

She slams her locker door, and reluctantly heads to her class. She’s left once again with her thoughts.

And they aren’t very pretty ones.

* * *

She’s feels really nauseous, like an extreme hangover but 10x worse.

She doesn’t know how she managed to survive til lunch, but she did.

She slowly trudges to the lunch room, her mind only thinking about new ways on how to avoid eating once again.

She finally finds the glee kids and quietly sits down next to Brittany. She’s not paying attention to any of the chatter going on around her, all she could feel was the thumping in her head, and the emptiness in her stomach.

She doesn’t think the pain has ever felt this great, but she can’t eat, not now, if she could just keep it up a little longer-

“Santana?” Rachel questions. “Are you okay, you haven’t eaten anything?”

“Uh-um I’m fine, big breakfast.” She replies, mustering a smile, but it ended up looking like a sad attempt of a smirk.

“San you’ve been saying that for weeks, eat something, please.” Brittany pleads, offering her an apple.

Santana looks in Brittany’s eyes, she sees the concern and worry in them. She hesitates, before taking the apple and slowly moving it towards her mouth. She can tell everyone at the table is looking at her, waiting for her to eat something. But it’s so, so hard. Finally, the apple reaches her lips and she takes a small bite and places the apple on the table. But everyone’s still looking, everyone’s waiting for her to swallow. She contorts her face as she slowly but surely swallows it. She looks up at everybody, they all have concerned looks on their faces.

“Okay I ate it, are you guys happy no-“

The sickness in her stomach reaches an all-time high. She suddenly has this burning sensation in her throat as she slowly feels the apple coming back up fast. She gets up and rushes out the cafeteria, leaving everyone with worried expressions on their faces.

Brittany hesitates for a couple of seconds, before getting up and trying to find her.

* * *

Santana slams open the bathroom door and opens the nearest stall. She just starts throwing up, and throwing up and throwing up. She can’t catch her breath, and starts to choke. She coughs and coughs, hot tears start rushing down her face. She just can’t stop, it hurts and clear liquid keeps coming out at a rapid rate.

“Santana? Are you in here?” She hears, but she can’t even answer as she keeps on throwing up. Soon she feels Brittany’s presence, her scent. She feels her slender arms wrap around her, she once again feels safe instantly. She feels Brittany rubbing her back, trying to help everything come out but she already feels like everything is out. She doesn’t even know what’s coming out anymore.

But it soon starts to slow, and she starts to sob once again.

“I c-can’t do this anymore.” she says in-between cries.

“San? What do you mean?”

“I-I’m a failure, I’m w-worthless, and worst of all I’m a liar.” she says softly, trying to compose herself. She has to tell her; she can’t do this anymore.

“I haven’t been eating, when I do eat though, I usually just force myself to throw it back up, but this time- it did it by itself.”

The room goes silent, besides Santana’s sniffles, she soon turns around to look at Brittany. She sees silent tears going down her face.

She made Brittany cry.

She did what everyone at McKinley wouldn’t even dare to do.

She hurt Brittany.

She buries herself into Brittany’s chest as the tears start to fall harder. Her body shakes.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” she repeats over and over. She doesn’t know if it’s for her benefit, or Brittany’s, but she can’t stop saying those two words.

“Shhh, San.” Brittany says as she kisses the top of Santana’s head. “It’s okay, we’re gonna get through this okay.” Her voiced cracked in the middle of it. Santana feels so ashamed, so ashamed of causing all these problems.

They just sit there, sit there for what’s an eternity. Soon school’s over, and Santana and Brittany are still both in the bathroom floor. Brittany hums ‘Somewhere over the rainbow’ right in Santana’s ear, trying to calm her down. Santana loves that song so much, Brittany has caught her multiple times listening and singing it. She doesn’t know all the lyrics, so she hopes her hearing the tune will do.

It does work, and soon Santana is almost asleep in Brittany’s arms.

Brittany knows they can’t stay there forever, and cheerios practice isn’t an option right now. So she gets up, with Santana in her arms and walks her to her car. She gets a couple of glances from lingering students in the hallways, but she ignores them.

She finally gets to her grey Honda Pilot, and lays Santana in the front seat carefully. She decides to go to Santana’s house, she’ll let her rest a bit and also she’ll call Santana’s parents and tell about everything that’s been going on. Santana needs help, and fast. As she starts to drive, she looks over and tears start to form again. How could she not notice, now that she’s looking, Santana looks so pale, her cheeks are sunken and she has dark bags under her eyes. The Latina looks so frail, there’s bones sticking out in all the wrong places. She can’t help to thing that this is her fault. Artie has been taking a lot of her time recently, and even though she thought she was making an effort to be there for Santana, she clearly wasn’t doing hard enough.

Santana’s been distant, her replies went from enthusiastic hello’s to sad, slow nods. She hasn’t lashed out at anybody in forever. She’s been refusing to ride with her in the mornings and has even been refusing sweet lady kisses. Maybe all this could have been avoided if she just asked a simple question.

‘Are you okay.’

Brittany tries to refocus her attention on something else, asking what if’s to yourself will make even the sanest person go crazy. She finally pulls into the Lopez driveway, and gets out and picks up the spare key in the potted plant. She opens the door wide so it’ll be easier to get Santana through. She goes back to the car and picks her up and brings her to her room. As she places her on the bed, she starts to stir.

“Thank you Britt.” she says hoarsely; it actually scares the blonde. She pulls Santana closer in her embrace and kisses her forehead. “Shhh, go sleep Santana, we’ll handle this a bit later okay?” Santana nods, and within seconds she back fast asleep.

Brittany sighs, Santana looks finally at peace. She starts to stroke the Latina’s hair. It’s gonna take her a long time to heal, it’s going to be a long hard process. But she swears she’s gonna be by Santana’s side, every step of the way.


End file.
